In My Head
by Magnetic Guardian
Summary: Welcome to Mitunas head. He wants to tell you, he wants to tell everyone what hes really like. He wants to tell you hes not stupid, and hes a person too... if you will listen. (rated T of feels, vocabulary, and language)
1. Chapter 1

**Hello there It`s guardian again and before you go on this weep trail of absolute shit, I`m going to explain a couple of things.**

 **First, take no offical terms i use in this piece cannonly. I can promise you that there are no little troll psychologist that have either diagnosed, or even evaluated mituna. But if you feel the need to make a sad stuck head cannon out of what I say, shoot for it. Another thing, about my soul eater piece, i have the next chapter written. I`ve just been busy with school and cons and homework and shit and haven`t actually gotten around to editing and typing it. Now this story actually came to me in the middle of Summer school. I thinks mituna always gets so much shit an people always see him as this fragile retard. So i decided to write something coming from mituna showing hes not actually like that and that he actually tries. So updates will be scattered and chapters will be shorter. but in all please no death to guardian.  
**

 **Anyway i hope you enjoy the depths of my head, and judge me not love. Homestuck`s not mine and neither are any official psychological terms used here. So enjoy ^_^.**

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My name is Mituna Captor, and you are in my head. Just a quick warning, things are really screwed up in there. You see, I have brain damage. That`s why i can`t talk right,

I can`t remember things well,

I'm clumsy,

I freak out a lot,

I`m not good at comprehending things,

I spaz,

No one can understand what i say half the time,

And I can`t learn right.

But trust me I`m not stupid! I swear! I`m really not! I can count my fingers and toes and all 4 of my horns! See! I have 4 Horns! But honestly I`m not that disabled. I`m a lot smarter then i come off as. And sometimes, I`m not even sure if tulip knows.

To start off, I became this way to save my friends. I don`t actually remember why, but i know no matter what it`s supposed to be this way. you can travel millions of timelines, and in every single one of them you`ll find me like this. You`ll find good old Mituna, mentally damaged and visibly retarded. It will always be, no matter what. But look, I know I`m annoying ok. I know I'm sorta creepy. I know that a majority of people can't stand me. I know I'm irrelevant. Trust me I`ve had time to think this all over.

This time though, I want everyone to know. This is my chance to show everyone I'm actually a person. That I`m more than just some clumsy retarded fuck that follows latula around. This is my chance to tell everyone that I have feelings too. So bare with me okay?

It`s time everybody knew.

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So chaptery prologuey thing? what are we all thinking? well anyway im just excited as you to see how this goes (if you are excited that is). So keep posted and catch you all on the flip side ^_^

Rate & review my dears


	2. Firends

**Hello there! Guess who? That`s right it`s me with the next chapter of this shit. I don't own homestuck or any official terms i use. Knock your socks off an enjoy!**

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I never really meant to be mean to my friends. But I realize now I'm the only person who's actually been a fucking chum bucket. What people don't know is, I`ve always been a little bipolar. Always. I have little memories of being a grub and being clumsy and happy. Then using my abilities to throw and crash things through my hive walls and at my lusus. But I never thought I`d end up being this rude to my friends. Even as an heir of doom, I couldn't see this catastrophe coming.

First of all I want to say something to Cronus. Cronus, you`ve been a major bitch to me lately. I remember when we were friends. I really do just bits and pieces of us laughing and such. We used to make Sex puns together. But now I can`t even describe how you make me feel. Why can't you accept me for how I am now Cronus? Yes I know you think I'm retarded and I'm not the same. It`s true I'll never be the same as I used to. But why did you throw away everything we had because you couldn`t take that I am just different? You were never a friend! Friends don't leave friends because they change! Never! That's why no one likes you because you're a metathesiophobic son of a bitch! Everyone fucking changes amporah! Everyone! Even though they all don't become brain fried retards they change! You son of a Bitch!

I'm sorry…

I`m so sorry Cronus… I don't really…have anything to say… for myself…

Meenah. Meenah, Meenah, Meenah. You are actually a pretty good person. I`ll admit that. While you're not killing everyone and being a crazy bitch, you're cool. I guess I`ve always somewhat admired you. You are a strong leader and you don't care about anything! That is so cool, but can be an uncool weakness. Your ancestor did enslave mine. That's just so uncaring it's not fair. But then again life's not fair. To either of us. You shouldn't have been forced but you were strong to run away. I`m proud of you Meenah. I could never be that strong. Even before I busted my own brain.

Kurloz. It pains me to say I have a slight grudge on you. What happened kurloz? What. The. Fuck. Happened. To. Me. You are my moirail! And yet you let me burn myself out! You were the only one who was there! Why didn't you stop me? Wait no… that's stupid….

Thank you for not stopping me. I saved us all I'm sure. I still want to know. What happened to me kurloz? I want to know so bad. You know why I`ve become this way. Oh kurloz. I`m sorry. I`m sorry for everything that's happened. I`m sorry I`m not in tip top shape anymore. But thank you, For speaking no evil, so to speak. No pun intended. And being there for me.

Meulin. Oh little Meulin. You are so lucky you don't get to hear the evil around here. I`m slightly jealous of you. I wish my brain damage rendered me def sometimes. I don't want to hear all the bad things everyone has to say. I`m sorry for everything that`s happened to you because of me. I never meant to take Kurloz away from you. To be honest I always shipped you guys. I`m just sorry…

I don't know why I talk about her, or Meenah, or kurloz for that matter. Why even bother talk about any of my other friends? I`ve been an evil bastard to them. I`m sorry guys. I never meant to be this to you. If I wasn`t out of control maybe I would be able to love you guys like you love me. But I can't help being a shrimp buldge fuck nugget. My brain won't let me. And I don't ever think I`ve ever been this sorry. To my friends,

I'm so very sorry. For everything I`ve done.

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 **and that's a rap on this chapter. Let me know what you think! Rate & Review!  
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	3. Memories

Hello there ^_^ heres the next chapter. Remember i dont own homestuck!

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There are times when I sincerely hate my brain damage. It`s not because it makes me appear so helpless either. Trust me that stage passed a while ago. I hate it because of how it`s fucked with my memories. Yes, it sucks that I can't remember some things, well, a lot of things. But as I've said previously, I can remember some really important things. I remember tulip! I remember video games and my whole entire name! My name is Mituna Captor and I know that I am a whole 9 sweeps old. See! I remembered even more stuff! I`m a captor and my dancestoris the completely NOT disabled Sollux Captor. We both have a total of 4 horns and a vision 2 fold, or well, did have a vision 2 fold. I remember who I am and where I'm from. Is that enough to prove I can in fact remember things? No? Oh well then, but that's not the focus of this of this session. There's other, more moving, memories I would like to share.  
I`m going to share the memories that haunt my dreams at night. And to be completely honest, when I say haunt, it doesn't mean that all the dreams are complete insomnia inducing-bone shaking-screaming-nightmares. Some of my memories are ever so bitter sweet with happy endings. There are ones that are in fact insomnia inducing-bone shaking-screaming- nightmares though. Most of those dreams are a collage of very detailed flashbacks of my friends' untimely deaths. Stupid Meenah. But I'm completely used to those visions by. It`s the breathtakingly beautiful memories that linger in my head long after I've woken up. It`s the memories of what I used to be that haunt me.  
One of the most reoccurring memories that really dose a number on my mentality is one of me playing games with tulip. In the memory, I am sitting with her on her hive floor playing Trollcalibur on her Grub-station 2. We happily tap away at the controllers. We achieve all these crazy, or `radical` in tulips words, combos and special attacks. Then I win. I get so happy, throw my hands up and smile. Tulip laughs and congratulates me. She`s not mad or telling me to stop apologizing. She laughs, leans in and kisses me cheek, then tells me she's totally going to beat me next time. I laugh and tell her to bring it on. I don't swear at her and slur out a string of sexually degrading puns and insults. We just laugh and play another round.  
After dreams like that, I wake up sobbing loudly. I cry because I used to be such a tolerable person. I used to be a tolerable and NICE person to play with as well. I actually used to win games fairly. Tulip actually used to play Trollcalibur with me. Now tulip doesn't play with or even let me play Trollcalibur anymore. She`s like this because I can't play it anymore. I end up spazzing out and hurting myself. Now when I lose games I become an intolerable prick the spews degrading insults and bad sportsmanship along with a side of violent rage quitting and throwing things. Poor tulip has to deal with me. I never wanted it to be this way. This way, where I'm insulting and rude to her. But I intend to talk to her personally in this shitty documentary. I want my apology to be directed her and no one else.  
When I wake up crying I usually ending up waking up Tulip. She doesn't ask anymore, cause she knows it'll just get worse. So she just hugs me and smooths my hair, occasionally kissing the top of my head. I remember the times I would wake up from a vision and be able to confide in my little tulip about what had happened. Communication is important you know? Now I'm incomprehensible and can't get it out. Another reason she doesn't ask is because she knows I'm no longer capable of stringing my thoughts into words in a way she can understand. So instead she just wipes my tears and holds me till I fall asleep.  
On the nights where my heads not so bitter sweet in attempting to remind me that tulip loves me, there's others. On occasion I have some about my friendship with Cronus. I remember him and me making jokes and laughing. We would tell little Muelin really fucked up or kinky stories about Kurloz and she`d run back to him to question him about them. We`d make their matespritship as awkward as we possibly could. We would make sex jokes around them until they were so flushed in face. We`d laugh and joke till we ourselves were flushed in the face.  
But now I'm his punching bag. I can see all the pain and despair in his eyes from the lingering memories of what we once were. I can see it in his eyes that it`s hard for him to look me in the face now that I`m like this. It hurts me to be honest. It hurts me cause now all he can do to let it out is badger and insult me. It hurts because we used to be the best of friends.  
On the nights I`m plagued with these memories I just awake and stare blankly at the celling. I then get up and stumble outside to stare at the stars. I look at them and wonder why these are the memories that come back to me. I wonder why my returning memories can`t be harmless ones, like memories of me taking a shit or something. I think things like, why the fuck my memories are hell bent on crushing me. But the truth is I'll never know, and over time I've forced myself to accept this fact. I don`t need curiosity to fuck me or Muelin for that matter, more then we already are.  
The Last of the memories that plague my shallow excuse of an existence are visions of what my heir of doom abilities once were. The memories are usually of me telling my friends about their own or others horrid impending death, which they then avoid. but then their are the ones where I tell them of their horrid demise and they put me off. Then comes the indescribable feeling after they've parted. Like when I told everyone we were all going to die, and no one believed me. Of course every memory like that is followed by detailed flash backs that appear periodically the day after they`ve haunted my sleep.  
In the beginning all I felt was immense amounts of dread and pain. As if their piece of my memory was being forcibly ripped out of me in some tortuous manner. I would sometimes even cry silently, and to be completely honest I still do from time to time. The physical tears passed in the days when the original event happened. but now, I cry in my messed up, broken mind. Eventually I realize I could have done nothing to help my friends more then I already had. They had their own minds and thoughts.  
The last thing that really gets to me isn't a thought, a vision, or a memory at all. It`s the blurriness and disability of my eyes. It`s physical and it triggers so many undesired thoughts. Every once in a while they trigger a flash back of my "burn out". My eyes will burn in unbelievable pain and my eye sight flashes in red and blue. This all happens in a haze of screaming in my head and my blood boiling. But by now, I'm strangely used to all the pain  
I hate memories.

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And that`s that for that one. Comment rate & review ^_^


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